


The Sky is Empty

by Cave_of_the_mounds



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Crisis of Faith, F/M, Religion, Religious Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 21:06:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9844259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cave_of_the_mounds/pseuds/Cave_of_the_mounds
Summary: I wrote this for the Traits of Sam writing challenge, my prompt was faith.Set after s11e11, Into the Mystic - the reader is struggling with her faith and Sam talks her through it.Also posted to tumblr @butiaintgonnaloveem





	

The pew creaked beneath you as you shifted. You’d been sitting there for hours already, watching the light stream through the stained glass windows, and inhaling the musty smell of old bibles and song books mingled with incense. Now your eyes were closed while you sat and listened to whispers of prayers and shuffling footsteps, holding your face in your hands.

“Y/n?” 

You took in a deep breath, rubbing away the tingling threat of tears around your eyes before looking up with a ghost of a smile on your lips. “Hey Sam.”

His hands rested in his coat pockets as he tilted his head to look you over, eyes slightly squinted searching for any injuries. “You okay?”

You watched him for a beat, seeing the blues and reds from the windows dance across his features. After days without talking, your voice seemed to be playing catch-up with your thoughts. “Yeah, I guess so.” You stretched and groaned. “What are you doing here?”

“Well,” he took a hand out of his pocket, motioning to the spot next to you, sitting once you’d scooted over, “We got back to the bunker after dealing with the banshee and you weren’t there. Then, after a couple of days, I got worried and decided to track you down.”

“Ahh, good old GPS.” You pursed your lips and nodded, looking down into your lap. “Dean with you?”

“No.”

You nodded, falling into a comfortable silence with him; the sounds of hushed prayers and whispers from tourists and parishioners echoing along the marble and stone.

Sam leaned into you after awhile, “Would you like to be alone?” he asked, his deep voice soft as he spoke.

“No.” 

Sam gave the slightest nod in response before letting his gaze drift around the small chapel, looking over the intricate stained glass windows. You watched him taking everything in, his eyes slowly moving from image to image, reading through the prayers to Mary, the Holy Queen. 

“Sam?” you breathed out. He turned to acknowledge you, eyes soft and lips drawn in a thin line. “I’m sorry if I worried you. I,” you tilted your head back, trying to hold in the tears. “I just needed to get this out of my system.”

His eyebrows knitted together and his mouth tilted slightly into a frown. “Hey, it’s alright. I’m just glad you’re okay. I, I mean, you are okay, right?” 

“Mostly,” you nodded.

Silence settled over you again, it was comfortable and quiet. Sam shifted from time to time, but you could tell he was just taking in his surroundings. On your left, two more visitors walked up the center aisle, tourists, looking at the stained glass and the marble columns. They approached the small altar, crossing themselves before retreating into the main chapel. They caught your eye on the way back, giving you a soft smile which you didn’t return. Instead you looked down to your clasped hands. 

“Sometimes I miss it.” You turned to look at Sam. His eyebrows furrowed with an unasked question.

“Church. Praying. All of this,” you nodded and shrugged your shoulders. “I don’t know, I guess having it all mean something. I mean, I was raised Catholic, did I ever tell you that?”

Sam shook his head from side to side, lips in a thin line as he listened.

“Yeah, did all the sacraments and everything. Was told how God was listening, how the angels and the saints were so benevolent. I used to make my mom bring me to school early so that I could go to mass before school started. It felt like it was important.” You sucked in a deep breath, anxiously sliding your fingers together and apart over and over before rubbing them across your thighs, frustrated as you tried to find the right words. You could feel the burning tingle at the corners of your jaw, hear your voice wavering, and did your best to calm yourself and hold off the tears. “But now, I mean look at us. Look at what we do, what we see on a daily basis. Heaven, Hell, it really doesn’t matter where you end up, there are monsters everywhere.”

Sam shifted to face you fully, his large hands wrapping around yours while you sucked in shaky breaths.

“It’s just, I wish I could go back sometimes. I want to be like those people out there,” you pointed over your shoulder with your thumb, “Back to having that blind faith. Back before I knew how nightmarish things are. Back to thinking that going through the motions meant more than just wasted breath and energy. It’s almost worse knowing that God exists and that he’s just decided to leave us to this. Like, really Sam, what’s the point?”

“I’m sorry you feel like you’ve lost that. I really can’t imagine how you feel,” Sam whispered.

You couldn’t help but stare at him with confusion. “Don’t you,Sam? You literally just got back from Hell and discovered that what you thought were visions from God, were from Lucifer. He was fucking with you. All that praying, all the hope for help with the Darkness, just whoosh, gone. All for nothing. And it’s not like that was the first time, Sam. You’ve been misled by ghosts, demons, angels, and they’ve all been vicious in their own ways. I’d think if anyone got it, it would be you.”

Your tone came out a lot harsher than you’d intended. His hands held onto yours, warming them from the chilly air in the chapel, but the muscles jumped with tension. You saw Sam swallow roughly, knowing you’d hit a nerve. Dean had already given him a hard time when he caught him praying in the bunker, so you decided to give the subject a rest.

“Wanna know why I ended up here?” you asked. Sam nodded, one corner of his mouth lifting in a slightly relieved smile. “I came here once on a field trip. They told us the history of the place, how sacred the land was, and I thought I had never seen anything so beautiful. I thought that if I were ever going to feel like I was in a real, holy place, that this was it.” You and Sam both took a moment to look around again before you continued. “You and Dean left to go check out the retirement home, and I was just there, thinking about everything. I was sad for you. Mad at God, mad at Amara. I suddenly felt so alone and - and weak, like completely helpless. It was awful, but for some reason this place popped into my head, and I just had a sense of urgency to be here. To try and feel the way I used to feel. So I drove...” You let the words trail off.

He didn’t say anything, he just looked at you with that slightly squinty-eyed look he got when he was contemplating things. His gaze was so focused that it made you shift, somewhat uncomfortable with how hard he seemed to be concentrating on you.

“But, you know, whatever, it’s just stupid. I just needed my yearly spiritual retreat out of the way. I’m good, you good, Sam?” You quickly moved to stand up, nerves making you shake. Using the back of the pew in front of you to push off of, but Sam’s hand on your shoulder pushed you back to sit. “Sam?”

“It’s not stupid. I get it.” He tipped his head down, his hair falling over his cheeks before he pushed it back, looking over at you. “Look, we don’t know where God is, or if he’s even around, but it felt like I had to try. I used to pray every day. I thought I had seen so much already that there was definitely something worth praying to - praying for. It got me through some tough times.” He paused, nodding and gulping down his own nerves. “I hope he’s somewhere, I really do. And I can’t say that I understand how, or why he lets us face all these monsters. God’s will? Fate? Whether we’re part of a plan, or if he’s just left us here to fend for ourselves? I don’t know about any of that at this point, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to not feel alone. I’m sorry, Y/n, I don’t think it’s really blind faith, I think it’s choosing to believe that there’s a reason behind everything-- the good and the bad. Because - even with all the bad we’ve encountered and done, there has been so much good, and that’s gotta mean something.” His whole body moved while he spoke, seemingly taking every inch of himself to convey how much he meant the words. 

You felt thin tears escape from the corners of your eyes, your sniffling now the only noise in the small room. The dam threatened to break free as you stared into his rich hazel eyes, the sincerity of his words evident in them. Your lips began to quiver as you tried to hold back the emotions churning in your chest, barely managing to contain the sob that came out as a result, turning it into a laughing kind of cry.

“Damn it, Sam. How do you manage to do that?” You pull your hands away from his to wipe the tears off your cheeks. “You know, I just wish I could explain what this all means to me. Or used to mean, I guess. I don’t really know at this point -”

“Hey,” he cuts in, “You don’t have to justify anything to me. If this gets you through today, then let’s be here. Just, don’t run away on us again. You need time to pray, or meditate, or escape? I’ll be there, or give you space. Anything you need, no judgment. I promise.”

You reached for his hands again, winding your fingers between his and turning forward to look at the altar again.

“Can we just sit here for a while?”

“Of course.” He squeezed your fingers. 

The sounds of people moving through the chapel and murmured prayers once again filled the silence around the two of you, the air within the chapel feeling much warmer now as a renewed sense of contentment settled inside you.


End file.
